Progress!

For the last while I've struggled. To find hope and joy in life. To let go of the past. To heal. Those of you who follow my blog probably read the post I did back in November - "Through the Valley". Things take time to work through and process. I've prayed for the Lord to guide and help me through it. He's been here every step of the way.

Photo by author - Southern White Rhinoceros

To help me through, and to give me some much needed time alone with the Lord, I made a trip a couple of weeks ago to the Reid Park Zoo in Tucson. Getting away from distractions, walking, taking photographs, thinking, and praying always works well for me. It helps me regain solid ground and find some measure of peace. The zoo helped, as it generally does. But I wasn't there yet.

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Last week, I accepted a photography challenge from MorgueFile, which meant hiking downtown to take photos. More distraction-free time for thinking and praying. Unexpected to be sure, but nonetheless appreciated. My legs are killing me from hiking those hills, but it was worth it.

This past Sunday, during worship service at church, something shifted inside me that I can't really describe. I know, that's amusing, an author at a loss for words. Well, I'm not completely.  Heaven forbid!  he he

In the middle of praise music that had me trying to hold back tears, thoughts, images, and Bible verses started darting through my head. I sat down and wrote them down, not worrying about whether they made sense or formed a cohesive line of thought. It was a challenge for my hand to keep up with it all.

I finally got it put into a cohesive form this morning (Tuesday). I feel I'm supposed to share it for any others who might be going through similar struggles.

THE IMAGE IS CLEAR

Dawn M. Turner

28 January 2014

In my mind’s eye, I see myself.

Smoke and haze hover over a battlefield,

eerily quiet and still, blocking out light.

A warrior lies there, broken and bleeding,

cut down by poisoned swipes of the swords of allies,

groaning in pain and grief over trust shattered,

opportunities rejected by those who should know better.

Light pierces the darkness.

Little more than a candle’s feeble glow

becomes the gleam of the sun across the land,

bringing comfort and assurance.

Justice will come.

Evil will be recompensed.

None shall escape.

The time for grief has ended.

The time of healing has begun.

I have been struck down, beaten and bloody,

but I am far from destroyed.

He has preserved me.

The Lord reaches down with a loving, faithful hand

to bind my wounds and heal my broken heart.

The warrior rises, not yet fit for a new battle,

but standing as the smoke and haze clears.

I seek to serve the Lord who delights in me.

Prepare me, dear Lord, to raise my sword again,

to fight for Your kingdom.

Break my heart for what breaks Yours,

and lift it up in praises to You.

Strengthen me, Lord, for the battles yet to come.

I stand for You, clinging to one certainty.

This life is transient; it withers and fades.

This pain will pass away and be no more.

The end is written.

You have already ensured victory.

In case you want to know what the Bible verses were, here's the list in nothing even resembling a logical order: Job 1:21; 2 Sam. 22:2-3, 20b; Ps. 40:11, 17; Rev. 5:8b, 21:4; Isa. 65:17; Ps. 147:3; 2 Cor. 4:8-9; Matt. 5:4; Ecc. 3:4; Gal. 5:15; Isa. 40:7-8; Zeph. 3:17; Ps. 18:19b.

God is good. All the time.

Fear and the Writer - Part 2

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Last week, I talked about fear. For those of you who missed that post, you can see it here.

The question - in six words or less, what do you most fear as a writer?

So what was my "off the cuff" but uncomfortably accurate response to that question?

Revealing my heart.

Talk about scary, particularly for an introvert who had learned at a very young age that revealing your heart meant showing vulnerability, which was like blood in the water in a society where I'm surrounded by sharks (people who will prey on that weakness). Attention can be good, bad, or indifferent - I've known that my whole life. But showing vulnerability? Only stupid people who didn't value their lives did such things.

Thankfully, God doesn't give up on those of us who an evil, fallen world has taught to hide behind walls as high and thick as a European keep. He gently, with love and persistence, leads and teaches until the walls come down. Because He knows something VERY important....

How effective can we be as writers if we don't do reveal our hearts, bare our souls, expose our inner thoughts and emotions to a potentially hostile world? Whether we do so in blogs or other non-fiction works, or we expose our hearts through fictional characters and their stories, we put a piece of ourselves into everything we write. And readers can generally tell when that element is missing.

It's taken a LONG time to learn to share my emotions, imperfections, fears, and deeper thoughts with others. A very long, arduous, often painful process. Through it, I've learned two things:

1 - God doesn't want me to live in fear, closed off to those my life touches, unable to reach out to others who may be struggling in the same way I have. He wants us to step out in faith in HIM and not allow fear and the evil in this world to take us hostage and cripple us emotionally and spiritually.

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For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. - 2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV)
 
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear. - 1 John 4:18a (NASB)

The Lord is for me; I will not fear; what can man do to me? - Psalm 118:6 (NASB)


2 - When others act like "sharks" and try to prey upon me when I open my heart to them, IT'S NOT ABOUT ME. No pity party or wallowing allowed. Let it go. It's about THEM. It's a reflection of just how miserable they are in their own lives, and if I really watch, I'll see they tend to treat others the same way they've treated me. Their words and actions should NOT cause me to close myself off to the world again. To do so gives their negativity, hatefulness, etc. power over my life that those things don't deserve to have. More than anything, such behavior demands prayer for them.

But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. - Luke 6:27-28 (NASB)

I think most believers understand how these apply to our daily lives and dealings with people. But how do they apply to us specifically as writers?

One, negative reviews on published books. If we haven't (yet) received them on our own work, we've all at least seen scathing reviews written by those who just like to tear others to shreds (if you look at other reviews they've done, you can readily identify these individuals - they never seem to have a nice thing to say about anybody) or hate someone's work simply because it reflects Christ (even if they've never actually read the book, interestingly enough).

Should we let such reviews make us change what we write because we shudder in fear of receiving more such comments? Absolutely not! We should seek to please God first and foremost, above every person out there. If people don't like that, well, that's their problem, quite frankly. We're not to be conformed to this world. (Romans 12:2)

I'm not saying we should be sloppy in our work or disregard actually-constructive criticism, but that's a whole different ballgame from letting fear drive us to write other than as God desires us to.

Two, the writing itself. If we truly want to touch readers, we MUST be willing to share our hearts and souls with them. And, yeah, I know this isn't easy. Boy, howdy, do I know. This is my biggest struggle. Each layer of emotional depth we put into our work is that much more of us we're letting the world see in some way or another. That's not easy. But the Lord doesn't call us to reach out to others only when it's emotionally "safe" or we simply can't keep ourselves bottled up, so we should approach our writing the same way - with an open heart obedient to His leading.

I know my struggle is not the same as what others face. Some cling to fear of not finding an agent/publisher/editor for their book, not getting the cover design quite right, not getting a back cover blurb exactly right, the book not selling, knowing what promotional tools and techniques to utilize, and a slew of other things along those lines. God has all of that well in hand. Does He expect us to do work to get it all accomplished? You bet! But He's already handpicked the agent/publisher/editor for each author's work. (He also knows whether He wants your work to be traditionally or indie published, too - just ask Him.) He knows whose hands need to receive a particular book. He can and DOES provide guidance regarding cover designs, back cover blurbs, and/or promotion options.

He knows what He desires for the outcome of a given work. If we ask, He WILL lead us down the right path, to the right people, and put our books into the hands He desires if we seek His will.

But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all men generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. - James 1:5 (NASB)

That's a tremendous comfort to me. He asks me to take steps of faith, do some work with regards to editing, book cover design, back cover blurbs, and promotion as He guides me. He takes it the rest of the way. But for me it all begins with a mighty step of faith in revealing my heart in the act of obedience - the writing itself.

What fear do you find yourself struggling most with in regards to your writing? What verses have you found that help you stand against it?

Fear and the Writer - Part 1

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You know, when you really think about it, it's funny some of the things we fear. We human beings have such a wide array of fears as individuals, my Roget's thesaurus contains an entire list of individual "phobias" that is, I'm quite serious, pages long. And it's not even a complete list of all of them, which is probably the scariest thing of all.

There's everything from the range of routine and common, such as:

Acrophobia/altophobia/batophobia/hypsophobia - heights
Agoraphobia - open places
Arachnophobia - spiders
Belonephobia - needles
Ophiciophobia/ophiophobia - snakes
And, of course, a list especially for the various types of germ-phobes out there.

Then there are the less common ones, such as:

Aulophobia - flutes
Baruphobia - gravity
Chromophobia - color
Linonophobia - string
Neophobia - new things

And the list goes on and on. Oddly enough, public speaking (glossophobia) isn't on the list. Clowns (coulrophobia) didn't make Roget's list either; yet that's a common phobia as well. (I've never liked clowns myself, but since I figured out what exactly weirded me out about them they no longer have the power to fill me with fear or cause nightmares like they did when I was a kid. I still don't like them though.)

You could probably look down Roget's long and varied list (or another one) and laugh at some that seem truly bizarre or identify with others to one degree or another. Having had a string of phobias throughout my life that God, through His power and grace, has helped me overcome, I can understand a lot of the ones that might otherwise have struck me as silly. Some of them, I honestly still don't get.

The phobia list hits home, though, when you reach the emotional ones - fear of rejection, imperfection, being alone, and/or failure. How many of us haven't experienced those?

One of the writing organizations I'm connected to on Facebook posed the question recently - In six words or less, what do you most fear as a writer? You know how they say that generally the first thing that pops to mind when you are asked a question is the REAL answer. Yeah, well, I had one of those moments. Others posted about facing or not meeting deadlines, not finishing their book, not finding an agent/publisher. Mine was more internal than that. It came right off the top of my head and actually caught me by surprise. Then I realized it was bulls-eye accurate.

Check out next week's post to find out what my response was and what thoughts it triggered.

In the meantime, how would YOU answer that question? What do YOU fear most as a writer?

On a more fun note - have you ever looked at a list of phobias as a way of generating ideas for characters and/or stories?

Surviving Life as a Porcupine

Those of you who follow my blog probably noticed I haven’t done a post since the first Saturday in March. I hadn’t intended for that lapse to occur, but life had other ideas. I’ve pretty much been without inspiration since the first of the year.

You see, the last few months turned into a time of retreat. From unnecessary, stressful situations and toxic people. From the evils of this world that I don’t have to deal with directly. Healing wounds that run deep.

Forgiveness is the easy part (and we all know how hard THAT is when we’ve been wronged, or someone else we care about has been). Mending those deep gashes left in our hearts and souls is more difficult, and it takes time.

Photo courtesy of AJenyon of morguefile.com

A while back, a pastor and very dear friend shared that the Body of Christ is like a bunch of porcupines. We go through life with our quills relaxed, but the closer we get, the more likely we are to accidentally poke each other as we settle in. That’s when we need to recognize the “poke” wasn’t intentional, extend God's grace, forgive one another, and move on.

I found the analogy far too apropos. For maybe the wrong reasons. I’ve so often seen my fellow porcupines with their quills on the offensive - standing straight out - looking for a fight and willfully jabbing others because of a rebellious heart. I’ve also seen those who have those quills at attention in a defensive posture because of hurts they’ve suffered in the past (often because of the “offensive” porcupines).

Things have happened recently that have let me know I definitely need to be prayerfully on guard, as I’m slipping too easily into the “defensive” porcupine posture. I don’t walk around on the defensive (by the grace and healing of God), but it doesn’t take much sometimes to set it off either. A stranger with a particular mannerism (non-threatening at that). A situation reminiscent in some way to what I’ve dealt with previously (usually makes me brace for some less than lovely reaction from the other person). Seeing someone else wounded.

There is still much healing to be had, and I know the wounds won’t mend quickly. In the meantime, I’m trying not to be a defensive porcupine. Thankfully, in the situations that have arisen so far, God has granted me the grace not to react outwardly to those people out of that defensive posture, but I know I must be on guard until I’ve healed sufficiently not to react internally in that way.

I never want to be party to causing harm to another “porcupine”, and certainly not to those who are innocent of the damage others before them have caused. It would be far too easy to become part of the problem, instead of part of the solution to the multitude of walking wounded in the Body.

NOTE - For those of you who aren't sure what I'm referring to above, check out the first post I did this year - Life Ain't Easy.

Thankfully, I already had a fair stockpile of blog posts prior to the first of the year to fill in some of the gaps left by lack of inspiration (and, to be honest, interest). Unfortunately, I didn’t have quite enough, thus the break in my posts. Even my novel writing has been a difficult struggle, particularly in January and February, but the flow finally seems to be returning. It hasn’t returned to normal yet, but it’s getting there.

Anyway, hopefully I’ll get back on track now with this blog. Next week, back to our regularly scheduled program *G* with something I’ve had WAY too much fun with lately.

Life Ain't Easy

You ever feel the urge to slap someone upside the head - hard - and pray it rattles their brain enough to open their eyes to reality? Welcome to my life.

Or how about the desire to stand up in the midst of a crowd of people acting hatefully and just scream at the top of your lungs, "This isn't how it's supposed to be!"? Yep. Me, too.

Have you ever seen the bumper stickers and t-shirts that say "The only reason some people are still alive is because it's illegal to kill them"? Yeah, I've felt that way at times, too.

Only the law has nothing to do with my restraint. The Lord does. Knowing how He feels about those urges to slap someone upside the head, or scream at people, or take them out altogether keeps me in check. Understanding His expectations has also prevented me from verbally tearing into someone on occasions when my flesh SO very much wanted to do just that.

Looking back on those situations, I understand why He wanted me to stay silent - most often the other person made themselves look like a complete idiot all on their lonesome, no help from me needed (and I likely would have looked like just as big an idiot if I had stooped to their level). In addition, it gave me an opportunity to glorify God when someone asked me how I managed NOT to rip into that person when I would have been totally justified in doing so. "Only through God's restraint. It was all Him. Not me."

Galatians 5 lists the fruit of the Spirit as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Having self-control and exercising patience and gentleness when people act in nasty ways is a serious challenge. And I pray A LOT about this at times. Thus the reason a lot of people haven't had to deal with me truly angry and ready to verbally flay hide off their backside. And since we're supposed to be thankful in all things, I thank the Lord (rather begrudgingly, I admit) for the countless and unending opportunities people give me to practice those three fruits of the Spirit. (Have I mentioned I really prefer they behaved?)

Then there's the battle to not let those people steal my Joy in the Lord. That's a battle and a half. Some people seem to almost go out of their way to tear down and hurt others, to devalue them and steal their joy. They'll even often go so far as to tell you they're doing it for "your own good". (Which is really their way of saying they don't care if it hurts you - suck it up and deal with it whether you like it or not.) I just don't understand that mindset. My grandmother says that's a good thing - if you understand their mindset, you're probably more like them than you want to realize. So I guess my ignorance on that score is a blessing.

And the reality is the believers around me tend to behave FAR worse than the non-believers. Yeah, I know. That's not how it's supposed to be. As believers and followers of Christ, we should know better than to act even more hatefully than the world around us often does.

Living in this fallen, sinful world is so definitely not easy - and some days are worse than others. Some days are good, and people around me actually act like civilized, loving human beings who care about each other the way the Lord tells us to.

"By this all men will know that you are My disciples,

if you have love for one another."

John 13:35 (NASB)

Other days... I come home bone weary from dealing with the attitudes out there. And some of the folks who act the most ugly are also the ones who should most decidedly know better and, thus, have no excuse.

"But if you bite and devour one another,

take care lest you be consumed by one another."

Gal. 5:15 (NASB)

Still other days, I wake knowing I'll have to face those people again and ask "Do I really have to go out my front door, Lord? Can't I play hookey from life? Just for today? Please?"

Usually the answer is a resounding no. Oh, well. Never hurts to ask, right? Then my prayer becomes, "Okay, but You're going to have to walk with me every step today, or I'll royally blow it. Please stay with me and slap a guard over my mouth so I don't say something I shouldn't."

The thing I find most troubling of all is that I'm seeing prophecy come to pass in ways I never imagined as I watch the behavior of the people around me. Christ warned that as the end drew near:

"... most people's love will grow cold."

Matt. 24:12 (NASB)

The worst I see on a regular basis is Christians outright lying about and to each other, choosing to believe lies about one another then spreading those lies around through gossip and rumor-mongering, shredding each other and devaluing one another just to build up self, wallowing in self-righteousness to the point they reflect hatred to the world and even to other believers. This is probably most grievous of all because they should know better. There's no excuse for such behavior.

Love truly is growing cold.

Such behavior reflects badly on God and the sacrifice of his son, Jesus Christ, which won't be without consequences in the long run. How long will God allow people to shred each other and claim they're doing it in His name? Only the Lord knows. But His patience will reach its limits, and no excuses or whining will change His response.

Seeing all of this, knowing all of this, and seeing the damage people do to one another (and so often not CARING they hurt or destroy others) drives me closer to the Lord and makes me desire even more to be different than the world around me, to be a true reflection of God's love and hope. I don't want to "bite and devour" others. I don't want to hurt them, consume them, destroy them. I want them to see Christ's love reflected in me and know someone loves them. I want to hold them accountable in love as we're supposed to, not beat them over the head with the Bible in self-righteous legalism. I want to love them enough to offer correction through that love with gentle kindness. I want to reflect God.

And it's a struggle. Life ain't easy. God never promised it would be easy. Just that we wouldn't face it alone. He gives us the power to walk perfectly, but we so seldom tap into that power. Human nature, the flesh, is always battling against the Spirit and our desire to follow the Lord. But we can't surrender to the flesh. The outcome of that daily battle is too important. Hearts and lives depend on it. Souls depend on it.

I'm no more perfect than anyone else. The flesh drags me down, too. But my prayer remains, "Lord, help me reflect You to others." And quietly, in grief, "Don't let me bite and devour those who need Your love as I see so many others doing." I don't want to hurt others. I want to see them strengthened in Christ, walking in right fellowship with Him. Tearing them down, beating them over the head with legalism (which is usually not accurate anyway), lashing out in anger (whether we feel justified or not) isn't the way to do that.

The reality is, the world needs Christ. If we don't show Him in our lives, in how we conduct ourselves and treat others, how will they see Him? Believe me, I know God will reach them without us, and often despite us, but He shouldn't have to. Where's the gratitude we should have for Him and His tremendous sacrifice on our behalf? Where's the love we're supposed to have for one another and the world around us?

We have two choices. We either support God's plan and act in obedience, thereby earning the blessings God wants to bestow on us so richly, or we allow our lives to be a warning to others by walking in a manner unworthy of the blood of Christ, stand in the way of an unstoppable process and reap His judgment. I don't know about you, but I prefer to be in that first group.

I choose obedience.

Will you?